The first stage of bereavement is shock and disbelief according to one website I consulted about this. It probably explained why I felt physically sick for most of last week and walked around in a daze, constantly having to remind myself what had happened, for part of me believed that mum was still in hospital. Part of me still does. Even though I went to collect all her belongings from the nursing home on Wednesday. Even though I am now wearing her wedding and engagement rings. Even though I wake up from sleeping and the words “mum is dead” are the first I hear in my head. The funeral on Friday will help me start processing everything much better, and will make the surreality of the past week into a future reality.
I am ok. I really am. But then I really am not. There’s no easy way to get through this feeling of loss other than to just feel your way through it. Quite literally. I considered going to see a councellor again, but what are they going to tell me that can help. I know she is no longer suffering, I know that I am still experiencing shock and disbelief. I know I can’t change it, and I know all the bad memories will eventually be replaced by fond ones. There really is nothing else you can do but get on with your life. Which is why I decided to go back to school today.
People have been so kind. Blog comments, text messages, emails, Facebook messages, phone calls and cards have been coming constantly since last Monday. The support and love of friends, colleagues and extended family has been overwhelming. At times like this, you really do know who your friends are. A cliche, but nevertheless true.
Going back to school today was a decision I didn’t take lightly. Part of me was wondering how I could be so callous as to return to “normal” even before the funeral has taken place. But I know that life goes on and being around supportive people at times like this is important, rather than sitting at home dwelling on everything which I cannot even begin to process until I have seen mum on Friday and will then know it’s really happened. Everyone was so kind at school. Colleagues have offered to help me “in any way”. Kind words, but would they really appreciate me dumping a whole load of reports that need to be written on their desks, or sit all my parents’ evening appointments for me?!
The nicest things that happened today was the response to my absence last week by my pupils. My sixth form tutor group had made me a card, and so had one of my maths classes. What particularly impressed me was that the group of 14 year olds I teach managed to organise a collection, all by themselves, which they have donated to the Alzheimer’s Society. Their kindness and understanding knows no bounds.
