The first stage of bereavement is shock and disbelief according to one website I consulted about this. It probably explained why I felt physically sick for most of last week and walked around in a daze, constantly having to remind myself what had happened, for part of me believed that mum was still in hospital. Part of me still does. Even though I went to collect all her belongings from the nursing home on Wednesday. Even though I am now wearing her wedding and engagement rings. Even though I wake up from sleeping and the words “mum is dead” are the first I hear in my head. The funeral on Friday will help me start processing everything much better, and will make the surreality of the past week into a future reality.
I am ok. I really am. But then I really am not. There’s no easy way to get through this feeling of loss other than to just feel your way through it. Quite literally. I considered going to see a councellor again, but what are they going to tell me that can help. I know she is no longer suffering, I know that I am still experiencing shock and disbelief. I know I can’t change it, and I know all the bad memories will eventually be replaced by fond ones. There really is nothing else you can do but get on with your life. Which is why I decided to go back to school today.
People have been so kind. Blog comments, text messages, emails, Facebook messages, phone calls and cards have been coming constantly since last Monday. The support and love of friends, colleagues and extended family has been overwhelming. At times like this, you really do know who your friends are. A cliche, but nevertheless true.
Going back to school today was a decision I didn’t take lightly. Part of me was wondering how I could be so callous as to return to “normal” even before the funeral has taken place. But I know that life goes on and being around supportive people at times like this is important, rather than sitting at home dwelling on everything which I cannot even begin to process until I have seen mum on Friday and will then know it’s really happened. Everyone was so kind at school. Colleagues have offered to help me “in any way”. Kind words, but would they really appreciate me dumping a whole load of reports that need to be written on their desks, or sit all my parents’ evening appointments for me?!
The nicest things that happened today was the response to my absence last week by my pupils. My sixth form tutor group had made me a card, and so had one of my maths classes. What particularly impressed me was that the group of 14 year olds I teach managed to organise a collection, all by themselves, which they have donated to the Alzheimer’s Society. Their kindness and understanding knows no bounds.
I’m so sorry about your Mum.You really did all you could to help her, don’t forget that. Push for the Radio 4 story – that will give you the focus you need right now, and if it helps prevent others suffering, that will be a fitting legacy for your Mum. Take care and be nice to yourself.
Mya x
PS I too am very impressed by those fourteen year olds!
From experience (I lost 3 key relatives – including my mum – before I was 19, and several ‘lesser’ ones in the same period), I’d say that your ‘bereavement process’ will take as long as it takes. And the reality is, you will probably never truly ‘get over it’.
You will, no doubt, have bad days. But you’ll also begin to have good days again. And, as you say, you’ll always have the good memories, and those will become ever more precious to you.
Being around other people can really help. You have no choice but to function, to respond, to interact – and then you find that you’ve filled your day, and that your grief hasn’t consumed you. And so its immediacy begins to recede. It doesn’t mean that you miss your mother any less – just that you have found a way through the darkest time.
And if other people offer to help ‘in any way’ – they really do mean it, so don’t be shy in taking them up on their offer if you’re having a bad time. For most people, losing a parent is just about the worst thing they can imagine – so the offer is born out of real empathy and sympathy. They don’t expect you to carry on as normal, and most would actually like to feel useful to you. Most people find it a little difficult to know what to say when someone else has lost someone close to them – helping out is a way of demonstrating that they care.
Above all, do whatever you feel you need to do. Let others take the strain for you if need be.
And if you want a longer email or phone chat, please do drop me a line.
Take care.
I don’t have the words – having never myself lost any close relative (and fearing that I am less and less able to deal with this more and more likely loss of those who are ageing). But I am deeply moved by the gesture of your fourteen year old students.
I think that was such a lovely gesture of your pupils-they are not able to express their sentiments in words-but, as they have proved, actions really do speak louder than words-something that will stay with you for ever.
I am in tonight if you feel like phoning-if not I will see you on Friday when our hearts will be with yours. lots of love mari xx
How are you doing toots? Hope you are surrounded by lots of people who give you lots of hugs.
Jx x x
It’ll take a while. Lots of mornings when you wake up, and then suddenly think – ‘Oh shit.’
But that’s fair enough. Life takes some adjusting to, sometimes. Best wishes.
I just happened to stumble upon your blog today. Today is also the day my boyfriend’s grandad passed away as a result of Alzheimer’s Disease. Funny how the world works sometimes. Anyway, I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you. Having lost a parent at a young age, I can honestly say that although things seem bleak just now, the time will come when you smile rather than cry when you think about your mum. Take care. x
It’s always been my belief that life moves forward and not backward.
J’ai toujours pensé que la vie avance et qu’elle ne recule pas
So you have to think about the future and I wish you the best for 2008!
Alors il faut penser au futur et je ne vous souhaite que de belles choses pour 2008
kristana from France
Thinking of you. Hope you had a peaceful Christmas, and wishing you a happier 2008.
Jxx
I check in most days, to see how you’re getting along. Hope you’re just as you need to be.
Amalee
Hey Dr M.
I’m sorry to hear about your loss.
I hope everything gets better,
and that you are happy and peaceful for the rest of 2008.
How’s everything at your new school?
love
Charlotte.
I’m just a completely random person but I happened to read about what happened.
I’m very sorry to hear about what happened. I hope you will climb back to your feet soon.
I don’t know what to say to a person who had just lost a close relative but…
I wish you all the best, good luck!